I have had a lot on my plate lately. New photography business happenings, the girls are INSANE busy all the time not to mention keeping up with the house, laundry and cooking. We are going thru MORE laundry now with the girls than we did when they were newborns. Never thought that would happen. Anyway, I have some confessions.
When I see people pregnant with twins, I am JEALOUS. ME?! JEALOUS?! I love my girls more than life itself but I DESPISED carrying them...let me make that clear for you--- DESPISED my pregnancy. Yes, it was neat to know who was who and see them move and all that jazz but it was not neat to throw up for 24 weeks, feel great for 1 week then end up on bedrest for the rest of your pregnancy only to gain 80+lbs, swell to unrecognizable proportions, have an extremely dangerous BP and then leave your babies in NICU. So, I keep asking myself...why am I jealous? Why? Because I know what I would do differently now? Because I wish I had a better experience? I guess so. So, I have to ask then...why am I jealous when I see other moms of twins online? I HAVE twins! I'm part of their 'club'...no reason to be jealous. Is it because I want more? I'm not sure. I have no idea what all this is about. I get so jealous or weird feeling that sometimes I just have to close the browser and go watch TV with Jason or something. What is up with that??? Maybe if I was struggling with infertility or was trying to conceive I would know why I feel that way but I am a MOTHER already...of TWINS. Strange.
Which brings me to my last confession. This one is probably the hardest one. I need to gather myself for it...I don't feel like I can relate to my friends that have one child. I mean, I can relate to them in that we are both mothers and understand each other but for some reason, I feel a little disconnect there. I'm wondering if its just because there is NO comparison to our different circumstances or what...I even have friends that know people with twins or have family members with multiples and its like they STILL don't understand or relate. I guess it just goes to show that you never understand until you have lived thru it yourself.
Ok, those are my confessions for the night. =)
15 years ago
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2 comments:
All I can say is that I know. Everything you've just said, I've felt. I can't explain why I've felt this way, but I have. I feel very isolated in so many ways, but no one really gets in, nor can I explain it. And then I just end up feeling like I'm nuts! I wish I had something profound to tell you, but I really don't! I think everything you are feeling is normal, though. At least I hope it is, since I'm right there with you!!
Hang in there!
Jess, I'm going through some similar feelings of jealousy and relieving pregnancy memories and disappointment. Like you I DISPISED, HATED HATED HATED my pregnancy. Just about every minute of it. I don't want any one to judge and think that that means I love my little man any less, because I don't, but I HATED my pregnancy and I HATE now, even more, hearing or reading about people who "love" their pregnancy or how "smooth" everything is going... how great those first few months went when they were MISERABLE- PURE FRIGGIN MISERY for me with my colicky baby... it makes me wonder if I am a failure somehow and makes me feel jealous and miserable... is that similar to what you're feeling? And, like you, these feelings just started up recently for me too.. I mean they've always been there, but lately, they've seemed to progressed.
Anyways, I agree with you, those of us with singletons simply can not relate to what you go through as a mother of multiples. Do you think we might see more similarities when we have Baby #2 and also have more than one baby to juggle, trying to bond with another child while taking care of Baby #1, taking care of 2 different sets of needs/2 age ranges at the same time?? I bet that will bridge the gap with the differences between us... slightly.
Sorry this is becoming such a long post, I just wanted to say YOU ARE NOT ALONE, even though you feel like you are sometimes. Though I am not 100% in your shoes, I can understand why you might feel the way you do, and I can somewhat relate (at least to the disappointment/jealousy). Miss you friend!!
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