Be blessed

So, I left our hospital trip story unfinished and to be honest, it just doesn't matter anymore. After Tuesday passed away last week, things have been placed in a new perspective for me. They are healthy now, we survived...moving on!

I have been doing a lot of reflective thinking and I hate to even say this but when I was pregnant, I was mad that I was having twins. When we had our first ultrasound at 8 weeks and heard those tiny heartbeats, of course we were thrilled for two healthy babies, but I was mad deep down. Angry. Worried. Scared. My best friend has twins. She was 20-something weeks pregnant with her boys when we saw those two tiny hearts flickering away on May 1, 2007. I had been helping her with her pregnancy, listening to her struggles. Watching the agony. I didn't want to be high risk. I didn't want a hard time. I didn't want the hardship of twins. I wanted a nice, easy pregnancy, a "normal" delivery and "normal" relationship with my newborn- whatever 'normal' is, right? ;)

Then, just as soon as I would think those thoughts the maternal guilt would kick in and I would be left thinking "how could I be angry? We are LUCKY to be pregnant at all without help. Be blessed Jessica, be blessed"...throughout my pregnancy, I had to remind myself of that fact. Be blessed.

During my post-partum depression I struggled a LOT with these same feelings of not being 'normal' or fitting in with my moms of singletons. I struggled to understand them or even empathize with them. I didn't care what their struggles were- I felt like I had more. Again, I would feel terrible for thinking that way and remind myself that I was blessed. Be blessed.

As the girls have gotten older and more active, I have found myself struggling to keep up with them, to show each of them enough attention, to nurture each individual personality and soul. I have found myself feeling that same lack of empathy for others, the same lack of sensitivity, the same feelings of 'why me?'. This time, I did remember why-- I have been blessed. That's 'why me'. I am blessed.

I am blessed with a full family. I am blessed to have two healthy active girls. I am blessed to have amazing daughters that don't care if I spent 5 minutes more with her sister after lunch because I will spend 5 minutes more with her after dinner. I am blessed that we didn't have to spend our life savings on in-vitro. I am blessed that my best friend has twins too and went through it first. I am blessed that I can call her anytime any day to ask how on earth I am supposed to go grocery shopping alone. ;)

So, I guess in a funny way, I have had to learn to be blessed. I have had to learn to accept the 'twin factor'. I am not saying this to be a martyr. I am saying this for several reasons:
1) its my blog and I want to say it :)
2) Tuesday's passing has reminded me to be blessed everyday
3) perhaps another new twin mom is experiencing these feelings and needs to know she isn't alone
4) because I feel like I have come full circle on the idea of having twins
5) because our flu/trip to the hospital really doesn't matter in the big scheme of things

Having said all that, I am still the same feisty woman that rolls her eyes when people stop me at Target and ask if the girls are twins. I am still the same mom that thinks its inappropriate to touch my children just because they are twins- and will tell you so. I am still the mom that thinks comments like "double trouble" and "boy, you've got your hands full" are rude, lacking in originality and are totally uncalled for. I am still the same mom that thinks this is HARD @SS work and can throw temper tantrum side by side with her twins at 6:00PM every night. ;) But man, what a blessing to have them here, healthy, happy and stomping their feet on the floor with me.

Be blessed.